


When Darkness Turns to Light

by stylinson_sluts



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depressed Harry, M/M, No Sexual Content, Sad Louis, Suicide Attempt, everythings a mess, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 13:58:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2624348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stylinson_sluts/pseuds/stylinson_sluts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The three times Harry spirals out of absolute control and the one time Louis is finally able to stop it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Darkness Turns to Light

**Author's Note:**

> This is a complete mess and I'm not sure how it came about. Its unbelievably unrealistic but TRIGGER WARNING!! THERE ARE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND SELF HARM AND SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. Please don't read if you will be triggered. Also the ending is horribly terrible and I'm sorry
> 
> Finally if something is written between /....../ it means its Harry's mind

Pain. That is all Harry Styles can say he feels anymore. How can someone with 21.6 million followers, four amazing brothers, a caring mother and father, and a group of friends feel so alone? Harry is so lost in the world and he doesn’t know when it happened. He doesn’t know when it gets better. He does know, that one person can only endure so much pain.

The thing with Harry is not only is he a famous boy bander, but he is an amazing actor. He doesn’t know when that happened either because he was awful on ICarly. He predicts time did it. Harry has been falling into a dark nothing for years. Not sure of anything anymore. He wasn't sure if anyone noticed and sometimes he wish someone would. He needs help, he knows that, but no one is around to help him. 

Slowly, Harry starts to become distant from everyone. He doesn't notice it happening, but the people around him do. He starts dodging his parents phone calls while on tour. He doesn't go out with the boys. Hell, he has even gone MIA for a few interviews. The boys express their worry, but he brushes it off. Louis, however, doesn't do that. He knows Harry. Better than anyone ever could. 

“You gotta talk to me Haz,” Louis pleads. Harry gives a fake chuckle, 

“what about? I'm fine Lou, honest. I think Eleanor is here, you should go.” 

“Haz,” Louis sighs, “I can cancel. We can have a night in like old times?” Harry is tempted. God he is. To steal Louis from his date, to make the boy cuddle him until Harry feels like the smaller one, maybe get Louis drunk so he can get a kiss. Just like old times. 

/‘You are busy’/

Harry nods, 

“honest Lou. Have fun.” He gives Louis one last fake smile before hurrying into his bedroom and locking the door behind him. 

/‘You are an idiot.’/

“I know,” Harry replies to the voice. Harry started hearing voices just two months ago. He didn't start talking back until a month ago though. He was confused. The voices hurt him, but they also explained that they were helping him. Harry’s going insane. He knows that. He has so many problems, he can't count. Problems that have simply grown over time. Stemming from the pain. 

/‘Harry, you should probably go eat. How about some yogurt and pretzels?’/

Harry agrees and goes into the kitchen and eats exactly that. Not too much, but he doesn't need that much anyways. Louis likes small figures. Harry should lose weight anyways. He goes back into his room and crawls onto the bed. 

/‘Someone decided to join you Harry.'/ The voice teased. Harry covered his ears and shut his eyes. 

“No, please no. I'm so tired,” he whimpered. 

/‘Look in the corner Harry. Look up you fool!’/ 

This is one of the rare times he ignores the voice. He ignores it telling him what to do. He keeps his eyes shut and listens to it to tell him to look. He doesn't dare though. His anxiety begins and rises as the voice drowns on. He can't sleep. He stays in that position, struggling to breath, close to passing out until the voice stops. Just cuts off. Harry slowly opened his sore eyes, from crying, and removes his hands from his ears. He hears commotion outside his door. Giggling and Louis talking. 

“Shhh, I don't want to wake Harry,” Louis giggles. Eleanor giggles as well and Harry misses the voice. He doesn't want to hear them. Once he hears them go into Louis’ room, he is up and looking for shoes. His mind is off, but his body know where to go. He finds his boots and slips into them, sneaking out the front door. He has nothing on him. Even forgot a coat. He can freeze though, that would be a cool way to die. He walks, not taking in any surroundings. He makes it to the bridge in twenty minutes. He climbs over the edge and keeps his grip on the pulls behind him. He takes a deep breath and looks down at the highway under his feet. 

/‘If only’/

“Why can't I?” he asks, “It would be less painful.” 

“Hey, mate,” someone says behind him. It takes him a minute to register the voice and another to realize that the voice is in fact, real. He turns his head and sees a boy, probably younger, standing a few feet away. He looks panicked and Harry isn't sure why. 

“Hello,” Harry says politely. 

“What are you doing?” the boy asks. 

“Looking, breathing. It's a far drop huh?” Harry looks down again, leaning a bit. He hears the boy gasp and come closer. 

“Yeah, it is. I'm Bentley,” he tells Harry. 

“Harry.”

“Right, Harry. Are you planning to let go?” Bentley asks. Harry chuckles and shakes his head, 

“I'm not allowed to.” 

“Your not allowed to? Who doesn't allow you to?” he asks and takes another step towards Harry. 

“You aren't planning to push me are you?” Harry asked. He didn't understand why he was cautiously walking to Harry. 

“No, god no. Harry, who doesn't allow you to let go?” Bentley questioned again. 

“The voice in my head. They don't want me taking the easy way,” Harry explains. 

“Are you sad?” Harry nods slowly. “Are you scared?” Nods. “Do you feel alone?” 

“All the time,” Harry sobs out. Bentley nods and finally gets a hand on Harry. 

“I use to get that way too Harry, maybe we can talk? Come back on this side.” Harry agrees and climbs back over. Bentley takes a seat on the sidewalk right there and Harry sits as well. 

“I shouldn't be sad,” Harry says after a few minutes. 

“Why not?” Bentley asks. 

“I'm living my dream.” 

“It doesn't seem like it's your dream if you aren't happy,” the blonde boy states. 

“I was happy though. When I started, and then-” Harry shrugged. He doesn't really know. 

“Well something changed that. What changed?”

“I-I met someone,” Harry nodded. 

“Did you lose this someone?” Harry looked up at the stars. 

“No. Not really. I have him, but he loves someone else. A-and I think that's why I'm sad. I think I got really good at pretending, but as I pretend, I get worse. I've lost myself,” Harry explains. 

“So you have to find yourself,” Bentley tells him. 

“I don't know how to,” Harry explains. 

“You start by finding new things to do that will make you happy. What’s something that would make you happy?” Harry closed his eyes. He isn't sure. 

“I don't know. Is it okay if I don't know?” he asked. 

“There has to be something,” Bentley reasons. 

“He would make me happy,” Harry smiles and ignored the raindrop that kisses his cheek. 

“Yeah. Okay, well how do you know he loves someone else?” 

“He-we were together. Figuring things out together and then one day he just- just had a girlfriend,” Harry pouts. It's not fair. 

“Maybe he was scared of what he felt for you.” It's raining now. Not pouring, but a steady drizzle. 

“That's not fair, cuz now I'm scared,” Harry sniffles. 

“You face your fears,” Bentley decided. Harry nods and looks over at the blonde, 

“I have to go now.” 

“Where?” Bentley questions wearly. 

“Home. The voice wants me home. He said I can finally sleep,” Harry explains and stands. The other boy follows him up quickly, 

“o-okay. Get home safely Harry.” Harry nods and starts his walk home. 

/‘Happiness is something someone deserves. You don't deserve it Harry, understood?’/ 

Harry nods and finds his way home. By the time, he is soaked. He walks up the front steps and notices the lights are on inside. He didn't turn them on when he left. He opened and closed the front door, locking it. 

“Where have you been!?” Louis roared. Harry jumped and turned to the older boy who was stood in the arch between the kitchen and living room. 

“I went out,” Harry points back to the door. 

“You disappeared for an hour Harry! At three in the morning and with no fucking phone! Where did you go?” Louis continues to yell. 

“It hurts,” Harry swallows. 

“What does?” Louis questions carefully, his voice immediately dropping octaves; not wanting to cause the boy any harm. 

“Me. When you yell at me. It hurts,” Harry explains. It does, he feels a legit pain that makes him want to scream out. 

“I'm sorry. I was worried, where were you?” Louis asks again, softly. 

“I went and talked to Bentley.” 

“Who?” 

“Bentley, a friend, “ Harry explains. Louis sighs and his shoulders drop, 

“you should go get some sleep.” Harry nods and goes around Louis. He locks his bedroom door once inside and strips. 

“Can I sleep like you promised?” Harry whispered as he laid his head against the pillow. 

‘Of course.’ 

Harry easily drifts off. Dreaming of himself actually letting go and falling onto the highway. He is happy in heaven he dreams. He would love to be happy in heaven. He just wants the voice to tell him he can let go. 

~~

The second time Harry gets really bad is three weeks later. Louis has been around Harry for the last few weeks, barely leaving his side. Harry doesn’t mind. The voice stays away and Louis gives him soft smiles that make Harry think that maybe, just maybe, one day he will be okay again. Now isn't the time though. 

He is having a panic attack. His anxiety is high and there are too many people around him. They are discussing the concert tonight, but Harry isn't listening. He isn't sure if he is breathing either. His hands are clammy and he can feel sweat on his forehead. His face feels warm and he is bouncing his leg. He can't breath. There are too many people and they are all looking at him. His gaze moves to Louis who is sitting next to him and trying to talk to him. 

/‘Your stomach Harry. It hurts.’/ 

Harry listens to the voice and now he feels sick. He feels like he's about to puke. He grabs his stomach. He doesn't notice himself screaming in pain, but Louis does. Louis is standing up and grabbing Harry’s face. Harry jumps and shakes his head. He doesn't want to be touched. He can't breath. 

“Harry, baby. Please,” Louis calls to him. Harry looks at him again and his screaming stops. Louis hasn't called him that since when they were together. 

“I-I can't b-breath Lou,” Harry gasps out. 

‘Run Harry. Separate yourself from him.’ 

Harry is up immediately and running out of the room. 

“Harry!” Louis calls and he can hear him following. 

/‘There is a door on your right. Lock yourself in.’/ 

He pushes the door open and slams it shut, locking it. Louis starts kicking and slapping the door, 

“Harry! Harry open the fucking door! Let me help you!”

“You can't!” Harry sobs out. He collapses to the floor and grabs his hair. 

“Harry please love, open the door,” Louis cries. 

“Haz? What's wrong?” Niall asks rushing to Harry. They must be in the bathroom because Niall excused himself a few minutes before to use it. Harry grabs at Niall. 

“I can't breath, please help. I'm s-scared,” he begs Niall. Niall is on his knees, holding Harry to himself. 

“Niall? Niall! Please let me in!” Louis calls from outside. 

“No, no don't. I can't breath. I can't- I- Ni please,” Harry begs. 

“Louis, Louis mate he doesn't want you in here,” Niall calls. 

“I don't care! Open the fucking door! He needs me!” He slams on the door. 

“Harry? Harry, what's wrong?” Niall whispers. He has his arms wrapped around Harry, keeping him to his chest. 

“I'm scared. I need help. Too many people. Where is the air?” Harry gasps.

“Are you having a panic attack Haz?” Harry nods and grabs Niall more. 

“Okay, okay. Just listen to me Harry,” Niall tells him. Harry can't. There are so many voices. 

“Can't, can't hear you Ni. Someone is yelling. Make it stop!” 

“Louis! Louis you have to stop! You're making it worse. Just be quiet,” Niall yells to the boy who is still kicking and hitting the door. Louis sobs, but the kicking and screaming stops and Niall sighs and looks down at Harry. 

“Can you hear me Haz?”

“Better, b-but there are still voices,” Harry explains. They are alone. There shouldn't be more voices. 

“Harry, we are alone. No one else is talking. What are you hearing?” Niall mumbles and runs his hands through Harry’s hair. 

“I need to run and hurt myself,” Harry explains. Niall ignores Louis sob louder. 

“You stay right here Harry. Listen, ignore everything. Listen to me,” Niall rocks Harry. 

“Okay, okay,” Harry nods. 

“Take deep breaths. Okay and we are going to talk about the best thing in the world,” Niall tells him. 

“What's that?” Harry questions. 

“Mermaids,” Niall replies. Harry giggles and moves his face into the crook of Niall’s neck. Niall moves and sits so he is criss cross on the floor. He moves Harry who movies as well as a rag doll. They end up with Harry in Niall’s lap, legs around Niall’s waist. 

“Lou said I'd be a pretty mermaid once,” Harry explains remembering a conversation with Louis about mermaids during the xfactor. 

“Yeah? I think so too. What would you do if you could be a mermaid?” Niall asked. Harry relaxed more as Niall rubbed his back under his shirt. 

“I'd swim with sharks and dolphins. Would I only be a mermaid and no more human?” Harry asks. He can breath again, but it's hot and he's tired. 

“How about whenever you touch the ocean, you turn. So once you’re dry you turn back human,” Niall decides. 

“I like that, but I don't think I would come on land often,” Harry shrugs. 

“I'd miss you an awful lot if you didn't come back,” Niall says. 

“You would?” Harry asks and he sounds so surprised that it makes Niall and Louis’ heart ache. 

“Of course. All of the boys would,” Niall explains. 

“Even Louis?” Harry questions. 

“Absolutely. He would be a mess without you,” Niall chuckles. Harry smiles, but it fades quickly. 

“I'm a mess.” 

“But you have him,” Niall reasons. Harry shakes his head, 

“no. Eleanor has him.” 

“Haz,” Louis sighs through the door and he sounds so sad. 

“Harry, is that-? Oh god,” Niall whimpers and squeezes the boy to him. 

“Can I sleep now?” Harry asks. 

“Yeah babe, I'll stay right here,” Niall tells him. Harry thanks him and kisses his neck before closing his eyes and drifting in minutes. 

Niall stands, keeping the boy around him and unlocks the door, pulling it open. Louis is on the ground right against the door. He looks up at Niall, face red and eyes puffy. 

 

“Is he asleep?” Louis questions and stands. Niall nods and moves as Louis reaches to touch Harry.

“Let me have him. I'll take him home,” Louis explains. 

“I'm going to bring him to my house,” Niall whispers, hoping it will make Louis not throw a hissy fit. He quickly goes around the boy and heads for the room. 

“What? Why?” Louis asks and follows the blonde. 

“He had a panic attack and if he has another I'll be there,” Niall reasons. It's a good reason, but not the main reason. 

“I can be there! Niall you can't take him away from me!” 

“Louis, I'm sorry mate but he ran from you and I don't know if he will run again if it's you. Just- it's for him,” Niall promises. When he enters the room, Zayn is cursing everyone out and Liam is pacing. 

“Jesus! They wouldn't let us leave. Is he okay?” Liam asks and takes Harry from Niall. Niall is strong, but not strong enough to hold Harry for too long. 

“Cancel the concert tonight,” Niall says and grabs his and Harry’s stuff. 

“What? We have never canceled before!” Megan, a manager states. 

“Well there is a first time for everything. Harry will be at my house. Leave him the hell alone, and don't book any other concerts or interviews for a few days,” Niall hisses. He takes Harry from Liam again and walks out. 

“Niall!” Louis calls and runs after him. 

“Louis, he needs space.” 

“I didn't do anything. I've been trying to help,” Louis promises. 

“I know Lou. I do.”

“Was it me? Did I really-?” Louis doesn't finish, he doesn't have to because it's exactly what Niall is thinking. He gives Louis a shrug, 

“I don't know, but I need to figure things out with him and you need to figure things out with yourself.” Louis nods and finally lets Niall take Harry out to a car. 

__

“Hey you,” Niall smiles softly at Harry who has opened his eyes after being asleep for three hours. 

“Hi. Where are we?” Harry asks. 

“My house. You okay?” Niall asks. 

“I think so. I'm sorry.” 

“Don't apologize for anything Harry. You haven't done a thing,” Niall sighs. 

“I ruin everything,” Harry whispers. 

“You haven't ruined a thing. Okay love? Lets talk, can we do that?” Niall questions and walks to the boy laying on the couch. 

“I don't know what to say,” Harry replies honestly. 

“I have questions, so I'll ask and you answer,” Niall decides. Harry agrees and lets Niall sit, putting his feet in the blonde’s lap. 

“The voices. Do you hear them often?” 

“Yeah,” Harry shrugs, “ if I try hard enough I can get them to go away and they disappear when Louis is around.” 

“Okay, are they bad?” Niall asks. He knows they are but he wants to know the extent of bad. 

“No. They help.” 

“How so?”

“They bring me to a bridge all the time and when I climb up they say I can't jump because it's the easy way. And they tell me about how I earn happiness and they make me aware of the pain in my stomach and they make sure I don't eat too much. Eleanor is tiny so I have to be tiny too,” Harry nods. 

“A bridge?” Niall mumbles. “Harry, those voices are lying to you. You-you are skinny. Eleanor is freakishly skinny. Louis complains about how boney she is all the time. And happiness isn't earned, you do things to make you happy. Harry, I don't want you going to a bridge anymore, understood? When they tell you to go to the bridge, you do not go. You call me, or call Louis.”

“You’re mad,” Harry mumbles. Niall shakes his head, 

“not at you. At myself and the boys. We didn't notice how bad it was.” 

“How bad I am? So I am bad?” 

“Yeah Haz. You’re sick,” Niall says honestly. 

“I don't want to be sick Ni,” Harry whimpers. 

“Can I get you help then? We can get you help Haz,” Niall promises.

“Am I crazy?” Harry asks and starts crying. 

“No Harry. You aren't. You are going through some problems, but everyone is going to help.”

“Okay, yeah-okay I would like that,” Harry nods, “I'm hungry. C-can I cook?”

“Yeah,” Niall chuckles and lets him go into the kitchen. Niall grabs his phone and goes outside onto the porch. 

“Is he okay?” Louis questions as soon as he answers Niall’s call.

“Has Harry ever disappeared for a bit while he was with you?” Niall ignores the question and asks his own. 

“What the fuck do you mean! You lost him!?” Louis screams. 

“NO! Fuck no! He is in the kitchen. Just think. Does he go somewhere sometimes and come back and I don't know. Looks and sounds different or talks about something odd?” Niall shrugs. 

“Ummm,” Louis hums, “yeah.. I guess he does. He left a couple weeks ago for an hour and told me he was talking to someone named Bentley, but it was like two in the morning when he left. Why?” 

“We don't know a Bentley,” Niall points out. 

“I know. I didn't question it though. Niall, what's wrong?” Louis whines. 

“I'll call you back,” Niall hangs up and goes to Harry in the kitchen. 

“Haz?” 

“Yeah?”

“Who is Bentley?” Harry looks at Niall confused for a minute until realization dawns on his face. 

“Oh! I met him once at the bridge. He was scared I was going to let go and so he made me come back over and talk to him,” Harry explains. 

“Okay. Alright,” Niall nods and dials Louis again and goes back outside. 

“You better fucking tell me what is going the hell on,” Louis grits into the phone. 

“He hears voices. These voices talk to him and feed him lies. They make him feel pain that isn't there, they make him not eat because-they tell him he needs to be as skinny as Eleanor to please you. Jesus, they take him to a bridge and make him stand on the ledge but they won't let him let go. They tease him with fucking suicide Louis,” Niall hisses. He's angry. Not with Louis or himself. He's just mad at the world because Harry doesn't deserve this. It's silent on the other line until Louis chokes out a sob.

“I can't lose him!” 

“I know. W-we have to get him help,” Niall sighs. 

“Niall?” Harry says behind him. Niall turns and keeps the phone to his ear. 

“Yeah babe? What's up?” Niall smiles lightly at Harry. 

“I didn't mean to,” Harry explains. Niall looks at him confused. 

“Do what? What did he do Niall?” Louis questioned into his ear. 

“What did you do?” Niall asked carefully. He watches Harry open his hand and blood drips down.

“You cut yourself with the knife?” Niall asks dumbly. 

“Oh my god. Is he okay? Please, oh god,” Louis cries. 

“I didn't mean to, but it hurts and it's deep. C-can you help?” Harry asks confused. Niall nods, 

“yeah. I can help. We are going to go to the hospital okay?” Louis says yes in his ear and Harry nods. Niall ends the call and shoves his phone into his pocket. He leads Harry inside and turns off the oven and stove. He grabs a towel and turns, freezing. Harry is holding a chefs knife again. It has blood on it so it's the same one. 

“What are you doing?” 

“They said it's not deep enough,” Harry explains and looks up to Niall. 

“Harry. Harry ignore them. They are lying. Please, put it down. They are lying to you Haz. Put it down,” Niall repeats. Harry looks back down at the knife and then his hand. 

“Are you sure?” Harry asks. Niall isn't sure who he is talking to. 

“It's deep enough Harry. Put the knife down,” Niall demands. Harry slowly sets the knife on the counter and Niall rushes forward. He wraps Harry’s hand with the towel and kisses his jaw. 

“They are mad at you,” Harry explains as Niall brings him out the door. 

“That's okay. They can be mad at me all they want. Are you mad?” 

“No, you are helping. I know you are,” Harry explains. Niall nods and smiles softly and takes him out to his garage and gets him to the hospital as quickly as he can. Louis is already there and Harry’s eyes light up. 

“Lou-Lou!” Louis looks to Harry and smiles softly at the nickname. 

“Hey baby,” Louis says softly and pulls Harry to him. Harry goes against his side easily and Louis kisses his neck. 

“You’re here,” Harry says dumbly. 

“Of course I am. You have me worried sick,” Louis explains. 

“Niall says I'm sick too,” Harry says. 

“Mr. Styles? Lets go in a room and get you stitched up,” A nurse smiles and all three boys follow. They sit Harry on the table like bed and they give him a shot in his hand to numb it. 

“The doctor will be in soon,” she explains. Harry nods and watches her leave before turning to Niall. 

“Niall?” 

“Yeah, bud?” 

“Who is behind you?” Harry asks confuse. Niall turns, 

“Harry, babe no one is there.” 

“I can see them,” Harry nods. 

“Harry look at me,” Niall demands and steps to Harry. Harry looks back to Niall. 

“Tell them to go away because you don't want them anymore. They are bad and don't deserve your attention so don't give it to them. It's just you, Louis, and I. Tell them bye.” Harry squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. When he opened them again the people were gone. 

“I-I can't do this,” Louis mumbled and rushed out of the room. 

“Lou-Lou,” Harry whimpered. He looked at Niall with watery eyes, “what did I do?” 

“Nothing! You didn't do a thing Haz. He is just worried about you,” Niall reasons. 

“Well it's not fair. He gets to run away when he's worried or scared, but I can't. He runs away from me and that's not fair!” 

“I know Harry. Just give him time,” Niall tries. There is a knock on the door and a doctor steps in. 

“Hi Harry, lets get you stitched up okay?” Harry nods and holds Niall’s hand while the doctor cleans the cut and stitches it up. 

“Alright just sit here for another ten minute to make sure you don't pass out then sign out. Have a good night boys.” Niall thanks him and watches him say hello to Louis as he comes back into the room. Harry scoffs and squeezes Niall’s hand. 

“You didn't leave?” he hisses. 

“Harry,” Louis sighs, “I wouldn't. I just needed air.” 

“Well I would like some air too, but unlike you I'm drowning 24/7,” Harry snaps. 

“I know-”

“No you don't! You don't know shit! You're giving me pity. All of you are! You think I'm sick! The voices are better friends then you are! You don't even care about me!” Louis looks at Harry surprised then at Niall lost. 

“Harry,” Niall says softly. 

“Ni!” Harry smiles and turns to his side to look at the blonde. “Hi!” 

 

“Hi darling,” Niall smiles back softly, “I need you to listen to me okay?” He gets a eager nod from Harry and squeezes his hand. “You have to ignore the voices Harry. They are lying to you again, okay? Louis cares about you very much, so don't let them convince you otherwise. Don't let them speak for you Harry.”

“They said I don't speak my mind, so they help me,” Harry explains. Niall shook his head and stroked Harry’s cheek. 

“They are hurting you. Tell them to go away. You have to keep doing it,” Niall explains. 

“Every time?” Harry asks. 

“Yes.”

“Okay. I will, but can you remind me sometimes?” Harry asks. 

“Yeah babe, course.” Harry smiles and looks away from Niall his eyes falling on Louis. 

“You look sad Lou-Lou,” Harry pouts. 

“I-I'm not,” Louis lies and smiles at Harry softly. 

“Good, it hurts me when you're sad,” Harry explains. 

“It hurts me when you’re sad too babe,” Louis nods and goes over to Harry. 

“Really?” Harry’s eyes light up. 

“Yeah baby, my heart starts to ache,” Louis explains. 

“Me too!” Harry gasps. Louis smiles sadly at Harry and leans to kiss the side of his mouth. 

“I love you, you know that right?” Louis whispers. It's barely a whisper. It's soft because if he talks high, his voice will crack because he is holding back tears. 

“You don't say it a lot anymore,” Harry blushes and looks down, “you use to tell me all the time.” Louis clears his throat, 

“I don't say it enough.” He agrees, voice thick.

“Can I go home?” Harry asks Niall and Louis. 

“With Lou?” Niall adds and Harry nods. 

“Please,” Louis begs. 

“Course you can Haz,” Niall nods and smiles when the boy smiles brightly. 

“That's the smile I miss,” Louis smiles and pokes his dimple. Harry giggles and Louis smiles, fondly. “Can you wait in here for a minute while I talk to Niall?” Harry nods and watches the two boys leave and close the door.

“How do you know when he is hearing the voices? When he is listening to them?” Louis asks confused. When Harry was yelling at him he didn't know it wasn't really Harry. 

“I know him. You know him Louis. You know how he acts and what he really thinks. He wouldn't think those things if the voices weren't there,” Niall explains. 

“Okay, right, but he still isn't himself. He is acting like a child. He hasn't gotten excited and acted like that since like sixteen,” Louis points out. 

“I know. I haven't figured that out yet. Just, lets feed him and then you guys can go home. Be careful with what you say and talk to him. He doesn't talk about it unless you ask him questions. Try not to leave him because that's when the voices get bad. And don't do anything stupid. Please,” Niall explains. Louis nods and opens the door. 

“Ready Hazza?” he asks. Harry nods brightly and hops down and walks to Louis. Louis takes the non cut hand and walks with Harry to Niall’s car. Their surprised to find that no one found out where they were. 

“Where do you want to pick food up from Haz?” Niall asks as he gets in and Louis helps Harry into the passenger side. 

“Why am I picking?” Harry sounds so confused. 

“Because we want you to pick,” Louis explains.

“But it's Tuesday night. It's Liam choice!” He demands. 

“Liam isn't with us Harry,” Niall points out. 

“Then we have to go get him! It's Liam’s night to pick!”

“Okay, okay how about I call him?” Louis suggests. Harry agrees so Louis pulls out his phone and goes to the back of Niall’s SUV, wanting to talk privately. 

“Hey Lou, you okay?” Liam asks when he answers. 

“Hey, yeah. I'm decent. Listen, Harry wants you to decide what he has for dinner.” 

“What? Why?” Liam asks confused. 

“I don't know, but I won't question him. Please pick something, I'm going to give the phone to him and you tell him.” Louis walked back to Harry and handed him the phone. 

“Hi Li!” he cheers. 

“Hey Hazza, how are ya?” Liam smiles into the phone. 

“Good! Louis is with me,” he tells him. 

“I know, he wouldn't want to be anywhere else either,” Liam chuckles. 

“Really? Even more than Eleanor?” Harry asks. 

“Definitely. Now what is this about dinner?” 

“It's your night to pick,” Harry smiles. 

“So it is. Well how about Chipotle? And for dessert, Yogurtland?” 

“Sounds good! Are you going to meet us there?” Harry questions. 

“I actually can't make it, is that okay?” Liam questions carefully. 

“Okay. That's fine! I'll pick you up some dessert and you can come see me tomorrow,” Harry decides. 

“Yeah, I can do that. I'll see you then okay?” 

“Okay, bye Leeyum. Love you,” Harry laughs. 

“I love you too, bye.” Harry hangs up and smiles at Louis. 

“Chipotle and Yogurtland,” he explains. 

“Okay, I will meet you guys there,” Louis nods. He shuts Harry’s door and gets in his own car, driving to Chipotle. 

Once everyone gets their food they eat there and then they go to Yogurtland and get it to go there, even one for Liam. Harry gets in Louis’ car and says goodbye to Niall. Louis takes Harry home and locks the door behind him once inside. Harry puts Liam’s frozen yogurt in the freezer and turns to look at Louis. 

“Hey, do you want to have a slumber party in my room tonight? We can cuddle and eat our yogurt and you can sleep with me.” Louis offers. 

“Really!?” Harry asks ecstatic. 

“Absolutely! C’mon!” he smiles and grabs Harry’s hand and brings him into his room. They climb onto Louis’ bed and Harry sits in between his legs, laying on his chest. They steal spoon fulls of each others yogurt because Harry has red velvet cake mix and Louis has birthday cake batter. They have all kinds of candies on top of it and they taste good. This reminds Louis of the old times and it makes Louis hate what he has done. 

“You okay darling?” Louis asks softly. 

“Yeah, I feel good,” Harry smiles and Louis takes his empty yogurt cup and sets it on his table beside him. Harry presses his chest more into Louis’ and lays his face in the crook of his neck. Louis shifts downward, so they are laying, Harry’s legs between his and their chest tight together. Louis rubs Harry’s back and Harry falls asleep for the first time in a long time, dreaming about a wedding and happiness and forever. 

~~

The next time it happens, it's really bad. Louis and Harry have been inseparable for two weeks, meaning Eleanor hasn't been around for two weeks. This leads to breakup rumors, Larry rumors, and definitely leads to Louis kissing Harry and calling him pet names as if he is his boyfriend. That is why when Louis is sent out on a public date with Mrs. Calder, Harry can't help but fall out of control once again. It's a tuesday morning and the first problem is that Harry wakes up in Louis’ bed, alone. 

“Lou-Lou?” Harry calls out. 

“Bathroom babe!” he gets a response. Harry is up and walking to the connected bathroom. The door is open so he leans on the frame and looks at Louis who is doing his hair. 

“Are you going somewhere?” Harry pouts. 

“We both are. Zayn wants you, so I'm going to take you to his house while I go to Niall’s to talk to him,” Louis explains.

“Why can't I go with you?” 

“Because Zayn wants to hang out with you. I think Liam will be with him too. Niall needs to talk to me privately,” Louis sighs and looks at the frowning boy through the mirror. 

“O-okay,” Harry mumbles and goes back into Louis room, sitting on the bed. Louis comes in a few minutes later and walks to Harry. 

“What's wrong baby? We will be separated for an hour, two at most. The boys miss ya.”

“But you promise you will come home? Alone?” 

“Of course. I'll pick you up as soon as you are done hanging with Zayn and we will go out for dinner,” Louis smiles. Harry agrees with a small nod. “Good, now go get dressed. We are leaving in five minutes.” Harry follows his order and goes to change and then meet Louis at the front door. 

“Ready,” Harry smiles. 

“You look handsome,” Louis smiles back and pats down Harry’s chest.

“Thank you,” Harry blushes. Louis does as he says and takes Harry to Zayn’s before he goes to Niall’s. 

“I'm a genius!” Niall exclaims as Louis walks in. 

“Yeah?” Louis asks confused. 

“Yes, okay so you know how Harry has been acting weird? As if-younger?” Louis nods and looks at Niall with raised eyebrows. “Okay I was watching How I Met Your Mother yesterday and bam! When you and Harry were dating and Eleanor wasn't in the picture, how old was he?”

“Sixteen turning seventeen,” Louis shrugs. 

“Exactly! And how did he act when you guys were dating?” Niall asked hinting. 

“Like how -how he is now,” Louis looks at Niall shocked that the boy may have actually figured it out. 

“Bingo!” Niall claps, “they called it revertigo on the show and it's not an actual word, but people do do it. It's where you get together with people from the past, aka you, and start acting like the person you were when you knew them. Even though you never left his life I think his brain is functioning like that!”

“I-I think you could be right Niall,” Louis says astonished. 

“He is acting how he is because that's when he had you. That the last time he can remember being happy. I think he's trying to make you fall in love with him again mate.”

“I've never fallen out of love with him,” Louis points out. 

“I know that, but he doesn't,” Niall sighs. Louis nods and looks at his watch; he's late. “Where are you going?” Niall asks as he stands to leave. 

“I have an outing with El,” Louis explains guilty.

“When are you going to learn Louis?” Niall shakes his head, “you are the only one who can stop this.”

~~~

“NO! I'm not going with him!” Harry screams. He's standing behind Liam and Louis is trying to inch into their apartment towards Harry. Zayn is stood in the doorway, blocking Louis from entering. It's four in the afternoon and his date with Eleanor has ended. Louis hoped that Harry hadn't heard anything, but he had, clearly. 

“Baby, please,” Louis begs. Harry grabs at his hair near his ears. 

“Stop! Don't call me that! You have no right! You cheated!” His face is red and blotchy with hot tears running down his cheeks. 

“If anything I've been cheating on Eleanor!” Louis hisses. Harry sobs louder and covers his ear, shaking his head. 

“I hate you!”

“Harry,” Louis gasps and the room get eerily quiet. 

“I hate you so fucking much! I hate that I love you and I hate that you don't love me and I hate that you make me feel so bad, you make me hurt! I hate the pain you cause me!”

“I'm so sorry Harry, I'm forever sorry,” Louis cries, throat sore.

“I don't want to see you anymore. I can't. I can't live with you, I- please Liam, Li, please make him leave. I can't. It hurts, please Li,” Harry begs

“It's time to go Louis,” Liam nods and turns to pull Harry into his arms. Louis watches as Harry falls apart in one of his best friends’ arms. 

“How could you do this time him, again Louis?” Zayn asks sadly. 

“I didn't mean to, I had to Zayn,” Louis points out. 

“It's all in your hands Louis, when are you going to learn that?” Louis chews his lip and quickly turns away and rushes down and into his car. It's all in his hands. 

______________________________________

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU LOST HIM! HE IS 5’ 11” YOU CAN'T LOSE HIM!” Louis screams through the phone. 

“He snuck out!” Liam explains. 

“Jesus Christ, I'm calling Niall, if you find him before I do, call me! And lets try to not draw any attention!” Louis snaps and hangs up. He rushes out of the house and into his car as he dials Niall’s number. 

“Hey Lou what-”

“Harry snuck out, they have no clue where he is. Get your arse up and start searching and call me if you find him!” Louis begs. 

“Shit mate, I'm going to my car now. I'll try calling Nick or something, oh fuck.”

“What, NIALL WHAT?”

“Louis,” Niall mumbles. 

“Niall, tell me now!”

“The bridge Louis, you're the closest, you have to hurry,” Niall says frantically. Louis is hanging up and ripping out of the driveway. He is pulling up to the bridge in three minutes and another car is behind him, but it definitely doesn't belong to one of the other boys. His headlights shine on Harry who is standing on the ledge of the bridge. 

“Harry?” Louis says hesitantly as he approaches the boy. Harry turns his head around quickly and looks at Louis. 

“I don't want you here,” Harry mumbles, “I'll let go if you step closer.” Louis stops and holds up his hands. 

“Can we talk? I want to talk,” Louis explains softly. 

“I don't have time, their finally letting me go Louis. I'm ready to go,” Harry explains and looks back to the drop. 

“I'm not ready to let you go Harry,” Louis explains brokenly. Tears are rolling down his cheeks as four other cars come up. Liam and Zayn are jumping out of one and Niall from another, running towards Harry. 

“You aren't suppose to be here!” Harry screams. 

“Harry please,” Niall begs. Paparazzi are climbing from the other cars and Louis hits everything right now. 

“Please just let me! Please, I want to end the pain!” Harry begs. The cameras are out and all the boys are the main focus. 

“H, just let me talk to you, please. I need to say everything,” Louis begs and steps towards the boy. 

“And then I can be done?”

“You can be done.”

“Okay,” Harry whispers. Louis walks towards Harry and looks over the ledge. 

“That's pretty high Harry.”

“Yeah,” Harry agrees. 

“I hate heights,” Louis points out as he climbs the ledge and finds his feeting on the stone, hands gripping behind him. 

“W-what are you doing Louis? What if you fall, I'd never forgive myself,” Harry says quickly. 

“I'd never forgive myself if you jumped H, I'd never be the same,” Louis’ voice cracks. 

“You’d have Eleanor to get through it with,” Harry says bitterly. 

“I only want you Harry. It's always just been you baby. When we were together, I got pulled into this meeting. They fed my mind with all of this shit Haz, utter shit. They told me it would be my fault if we flunked as a band because we were together. They told me how unhappy I would make you, jesus Harry, they convinced me that being-me wasn't okay. I convinced myself that in the end, you’d be better without me. So I broke up with you and found Eleanor and that's where everything went wrong.”

“You’re lying,” Harry sobs. 

“I swear Haz, I promise. My last words to you would never be a lie.”

“W-what would they be?” Louis squeezes his eyes shut tight and gulps. 

“I would tell you how much I love you. How you are my everything and my baby. You’re it H, your it for me. I'm nothing without you, and I will follow you to the end of the earth. I will follow you over this bridge because my life is nothing when you’re not in it.” Harry whimpers and sniffles, 

“it's still going to be the same if I don't jump. Please don't convince me not to jump. I want to be at peace.”

“So be at peace with me. In our home, without a fake girlfriend and continuing the career that we started together. There are people around us Haz, cameras that are going to catch us kissing.”

“You’re going to kiss me?”

“As soon as we are both on ground, yes. Everything won't be fixed when we step on the sidewalk, but I promise you won't be alone anymore. I'll be right there next to you, holding you hand and kissing your cheek no matter where we are and who we are around.”

“I'm so scared,” Harry hiccups and then he is squealing as one of his feet slip. Louis is quickly moving, flipping his body in front of Harry’s and grabbing the ledge. Their life is flashing before them as Louis prays his ninja move works. He's squeezing Harry against the railing and gripping it. 

Everyone around them is screaming and gasping, but they are both safe. Well as safe as you can be on a ledge overlooking a highway. 

“You saved me,” Harry whispers and looks down at Louis. Louis looks up at him, 

“of course I did baby. We’re okay.” 

“Can we get off the ledge now?”

“Yeah, I'd really like that,” Louis smiles softly and he looks behind Harry to the boys. He nods his head and they rush forward and pull them back to the ground. They are all hugging and the paparazzi and now news crew think it's an okay time to ask questions. 

“All the fans are going to see that. They are going to see me trying to kill myself,” Harry mumbles. 

“And they are going to love you all the same,” Liam promises. 

“They are also going to see how much I love you,” Louis smiles softly and throws his arms around the boys neck, stands on his tippy toes and pulls him down into a kiss. Cameras start going off and the boys start cheering, blocking out the people asking questions. 

“I love you so much H, I'll make this okay,” Louis promises and kisses all over the boys face. 

“Can we start by going home and holding me?”

“Thousand times yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry...


End file.
